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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

40,057 Following   29,974,466 Followers   9,104 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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My life would suck without @kelly_clarkson. RT @TheGRAMMYs Still our favorite photobomb from the 55th #GRAMMYs... http://t.co/Usbjf56dAhWhy did the man have to break into song? He couldn't find the key. #ClassicJokeWednesday
I’ll never forget these two principals from Oklahoma. I’m so happy I was able to help them. http://t.co/QsyRNFW20NA big win for marriage equality from the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals! Very exciting. I think this means it’s time for my 4th Circuit party.
Make sure your dogs have a way to keep cool in the heat! These pups have a few suggestions. http://t.co/XTHIY4JFVT
It’s Bagpipe Appreciation Day and National Take Your Pants for a Walk Day! Which, if you think about it, are strangely similar.
I don't know where these people are, but I'm going to fly there, rent a kayak, and wait. http://t.co/GwX4hoUGbs
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/sj5bzSvZim
Why did the baker have to go to the bank? He kneaded dough. #ClassicJokeWednesdaySo annoying when people brag on twitter & that's why I'm not tweeting that Portia just signed on to do a top secret arc on "Scandal". Oops.
Cats aren’t great at Hide and Go Seek. http://t.co/TeUjD0EqXB http://t.co/0WDMIcrK78
Check out my friend's solo CD. Happy New Music Monday! http://t.co/Phx3GtKrkCAmen. RT The President is taking action to protect #LGBT workers from employment discrimination: http://t.co/ULQuMBzOaT #WorkplaceEquality
I found a great new spa treatment. http://t.co/snj06b85ciNelson Mandela was born into a world of unbelievable injustice, and he changed it. Imagine if all the world’s people aspired to that.
Two of my favorite “Williams” are on the show today - Robin and Pharrell! Throw in Billy Dee and I could’ve had the full set.YES! @jason_mraz's new album is out now. Get it on iTunes: http://t.co/mjwAIFLJtaHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/r8dFVWN6Np
Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI was supposed to look for my missing watch yesterday, but I couldn't find the time. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI'm so excited, I have to tell my Grammy. RT @TheAcademy Congrats to @TheEllenShow… and all our Emmy nominees for their work on the Oscars!
All of these photos definitely have a theme. http://t.co/kh8NNNCcJ7
Being this adorable should be considered a crime. http://t.co/Sp5PFmjSvXLooks like I just found Mama's Christmas present. http://t.co/mxjgBwDZd4
Happy birthday to the hilarious @LoniLove. I hope you're celebrating with some brown liquor. http://t.co/MLrfGoxhzW
There’s nothing better than waking up to some oatmeal. Happy #CatPhotoFriday! http://t.co/9UypHCounp
Congrats to @JimmyKimmel on your baby girl! You are lucky to have a beautiful wife, three kids and a Guillermo.This round of musical chairs will go down in history. I’m not sure for what, but it will. http://t.co/q5tfMv9MhYHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/dpwWNFY52g
Congrats to @RyanGosling and @EvaMendes! That's going to be the most beautiful, bilingual, part-superhero, well-dressed, romantic baby ever.#CousinsUndercover and @TheEllenShow team up again tonight on @hgtv! We honor a Purple Heart hero. #honorourveterans http://t.co/8QKjVnbAyz
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresDid you hear about the kid who used a paintball gun on his art test? He passed with flying colors. #ClassicJokeWednesdayDid you see the guy who took the airline to trial for misplacing his luggage? They lost the case. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy birthday, @tomhanks! “Apollo 13,” “Forrest Gump,” “Cast Away,” “The Departed,” “Legally Blonde.” Thank you for lending me your DVDs.
Thanks to the Detroit Academy of Arts and Sciences Choir for helping me with this promo. Y'all sounded wonderful. http://t.co/wzbl1W8ydeHeads Up! Here’s a montage of my favorite moments from my favorite game. http://t.co/6A0dv4M6VoWhatever you’re doing this Tuesday, I hope it involves a nap with a chicken. http://t.co/WLRStmgHYs
The ‘Heads Up!’ deck from Google Play is now on iPhones and iPads! This week just got a lot more fun. http://t.co/9JKYufSVaPIt’s Macaroni Day! When I was 8, I made a macaroni necklace for my teacher. When I was 10, I learned you’re not supposed to cook it first.
My tongue is red, white and blue because I was eating a Papa Smurf popsicle.
Happy #ThrowbackThursday! http://t.co/GBs8YDH77F
RT if you will be watching an amazing #cousinsundercover episode with @TheEllenShow on @hgtv get the tissues ready! http://t.co/2f6ldKlOo7
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresWhere did the astronaut go for a drink? The space bar. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhat did the dolphin say when the 3 orcas showed up late? "Whale whale whale." #ClassicJokeWednesday“Tammy” opens today! Melissa McCarthy makes me laugh every time I see her. Even on billboards.
I'll take a tall drink of water, and step on it. http://t.co/bGvlyy2WXbTmrw on their show, the @CousinsTV are showing the behind-the-scenes of home makeover they did on my show. It’s like Ellen, Behind the MusicHappy Canada Day! I’m celebrating with a Canada Dry and @morissette. And maybe @SarahMcLachlan. Don’t know if I’ll have time.
You can run, but you can't hide. http://t.co/1EuVFSiXBbNow this is a kid with talent. http://t.co/dmY73uK7QHIt’s National Meteor Day! I had no idea it was Meteor Day, but I was walking the dog this morning and out of nowhere it hit me.
Happy birthday to the lovely and talented @KelliePickler. I hope you’re celebrating with the people you love, and some hooch.
Have you ever heard a porcupine laugh? http://t.co/25zIBCAkvfHappy Friday! If you don't get a chance to ride a water slide today, this 5-year-old did it for you. http://t.co/lXLDNtEJmM.@EllieGoulding let it burn on my show. I love this performance. http://t.co/qhn2E6NoLIWonderful! I'll get my flower girl dress ready. RT @CourteneyCox I’m engaged to him! http://t.co/GIg02bzTxg
Julia Roberts loves scaring her children. This is why I love her. http://t.co/N4D2n05RyRIf you have an Android, I've got exciting news! There’s a fun new Heads Up! deck from Google that you’re gonna love. http://t.co/49hRGZl4OhHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/Z44q6AhumjA year ago today, the Supreme Court ruled that marriage is a right we should all be allowed. Today, 31 states have agreed. Change feels good
Happy birthday, @RickyGervais! I have a life-sized print of this in our guest bathroom. http://t.co/2qWiO1UgTdThere's a genie in the bottle! Very excited to hear @Xtina is having another baby.What did the pickle say to the sandwich that didn't want him around? Dill with it. #ClassicJokeWednesdayYou have to crawl before you can walk. And you have to have a dog teach you how. http://t.co/kiIM9SaFqZWhy did the man unfriend his acupuncturist on Facebook? She kept poking him. #ClassicJokeWednesdayYesterday I had a sloth video for @IMKristenBell. Today I have something for you, @DaxShepard1. http://t.co/NzpA1frEtDI love @DianeSawyer's work and I cherish her friendship. She's done such an incredible job as host of "ABC World News."
Scientific Fact: Baby goats become cuter the less traction they have. http://t.co/yciwqLDw2KI love @Coldplay. http://t.co/j2QshgceAL.@IMKristenBell is expecting another baby! Congratulations to you and @DaxShepard1! I already got you a present. http://t.co/YCLJINk6nVI came up with a great new invention for people who like to stay fit and answer the phone. At the same time. http://t.co/fKefJjwZc7
This year I found out what the fox says. And then I said it. http://t.co/3zK7lQUAJMI won a Daytime Emmy! #DaytimeEmmys with @andylassner, @edglavin, @maryconnelly, @theellenshow http://t.co/Sr3Wslmb7W
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresHappy birthday, @Jason_Mraz. You mrake me very happy.If you saw sheep jumping across my show today, you aren't crazy. But you could win $25,000! Find out more here. http://t.co/Rie5ZR37tKThis cover of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" is stunning. @SamSmithWorld, you are incredible. http://t.co/V4ehZNrKBBMy show won the Emmy for Entertainment Talk Show! My staff works so hard every day. I'm so happy. I think this counts as a Christmas bonus.
My writters one four riting! oMG. Congrats Kevin, Lauren, Jason, Amy, Adam, Travis and Gil! #CreativeArtsEmmysCongrats to Jay, Marisa, Dirk, Brian, Aly and Daniel on their win at the #CreativeArtsEmmys & to the rest of my incredible team.My audio engineer Terry Fountain beat cancer and won an Emmy. Congratulations, Terry. I couldn't be more proud. #CreativeArtsEmmysI love that you can share videos from Heads Up! I love looking at @AdamLevine. Those are 2 reasons I'm posting this http://t.co/9Z16cyOL1UVery happy to hear @RealTracyMorgan is out of the hospital. I hope he continues to get better. Sending love, Tracy."Think Like a Man Too" opens tonight! If you love @IAmSteveHarvey and @KevinHart4Real the way I do, I know where you'll be.I met Sirdeaner Walker on my show. She founded a wonderful anti-bullying foundation. Find out more about it, here. http://t.co/OkFUPWY1Zu
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/SblUtZKik3My @MileyCyrus episode is airing today. http://t.co/cGBUkTYltcMy Executive Producer @AndyLassner is on Buzzfeed! http://t.co/01ywrYV0iFHappy birthday, @Macklemore! I've got $20 in my pocket with your name on it.
This foul ball made this @Phillies fan very happy. The video made me very happy. http://t.co/asUxqSXdjwMy friend asked me what to do about her Kleptomania. I told her she should probably take something. #ClassicJokeWednesdayBradley Cooper totally stole my phone. RT @HuffPostUKPics The stakes just got higher ;) @TheEllenShow http://t.co/LYDisHQezwI love what this man did to save a kitten. He's my kind of hero. http://t.co/t944FrwQ1TI just found out you can put GIFs on Twitter http://t.co/TkuJWhn5ZgWho could forget when @GwynethPaltrow discussed her body hair with me. If you said "me", you should watch this. http://t.co/3nWKwt37Ki
Jaden Newman is only 9, but she's going places. The University of Miami to be exact. Watch this. http://t.co/seYJqrDXslJoin the fight against LGBT discrimination: http://t.co/T8h5dOHudd
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres.@LeoDiCaprio just made the future of the ocean 7 million times brighter. He's an incredible person. http://t.co/m0AaXNlPaNZach @FinalCutKing is amazing with special effects. At least I hope those are special effects. https://t.co/MsX2nOR8jcMalia Obama, when you're done as a production assistant on Halle Berry's show, come work on mine. I can start you as an executive producer.I talk a lot about the @GentleBarn on my show. If you've ever wanted to learn more about it, check out this book. http://t.co/ysbXQBKUjm
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