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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

46,458 Following   28,499,285 Followers   8,719 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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The cast of #Scandal is raffling off a trip to L.A. to have brunch with them. I just entered 6 times. http://t.co/iwtq8VRouT.@BestBuy & @Shutterfly have been helping me surprise deserving people all year long. Thanks for everything you do. https://t.co/B6vawwBtTAI got a pair of tickets from @StubHub to go to #Coachella this weekend. Who wants 'em? Raise your bandana. http://t.co/W4EIFm95Y3I got a pair of Google Glasses! Or is it a Google Glass? I have no idea. Anyway, I got one. http://t.co/GxDubDhhgQIt's official – I’m the top of OUT's Power 50. Thanks to everyone who got me here. Sincerely, Your Leader. http://t.co/i90L1Mlk1eFollow my friend @KateWalsh. She's a wonderful person and I know she'll tweet you right. http://t.co/un0Lux4GdDSending my love to the people of Boston. Your spirit is incredible. #BostonStrongI went to bed before I saw the #BloodMoonEclipse, but I woke up to a lot of tiny, blurry photos of it on Facebook, so I didn't miss a thing
4/15
2014
Follow @KateWalsh on Twitter for thrilling cat videos and occasionally videos like this. https://t.co/qqk3e3eEnqMe and @TheEllenShow #selfieking #selfiequeen wooooooohooooo LOVE HER! http://t.co/iC91inHnvr
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI love New York. If you don't believe me, click right here. http://t.co/N5uIFvxidS@TheEllenShow it is like musical chairs, but with sex and beheadings. #SoFarOnGameOfThrones
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresMy office smells like patchouli and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Welcome back from #Coachella, y'all.@TheEllenShow Welcome to the realm House DeGeneres. Enjoy your house sigil. #SoFarOnGameOfThrones #GameofThrones http://t.co/O3zQfAktms
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresEveryone's so excited about Game of Thrones, I think I wanna start watching. Can anyone catch me up really quick? #SoFarOnGameOfThrones
4/14
2014
Congrats to @ChanningTatum on winning the Trailblazer award! Little known fact, "Trailblazer" was Channing's stripper name. #MTVMovieAwardsBeautiful speech by my friend @JaredLeto. I love you. #MTVMovieAwardsVery happy to see Veggie Grill on this list. I want one in my living room. http://t.co/qaWpkZjL1Z
4/13
2014
Portia just got out of the car to see what the hold-up was & discovered I drove into a parking lot. Apparently we’re still in LA #CoachellaWe're at a standstill. Someone wheeled up a grocery cart & loaded their car. When they say LA traffic's bad, they ain't kidding #CoachellaPortia says the "GPS" says I went the "wrong way". Apparently someone trusts a robot over my finely-tuned sense of directions. #CoachellaCan't wait to hear all the amazing bands at #Coachella. I've had "Let It Go" stuck in my head for 3 months. Definitely worth the traffic.The traffic getting to #Coachella is crazy! Portia and I have been stuck for 10 minutes. It's like a parking lot out here.Does anyone know if "hosting the Oscars" counts as a deduction?I keep getting emails to change my passwords. I'm not falling for it. I'm sticking with "Portia123" thank you very much.Stop it. Just stop it. http://t.co/fV2mtvXnM4
4/11
2014
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/zPOVY5pxX9I can't wait to see this ink on #Scandal tonight. @guillermodiazyo http://t.co/3F94ZbYqnUI didn't realize President Bush was such a fan. http://t.co/eMcli9HsP1
4/10
2014
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhich school do you learn how to greet people? Hi School. #ClassicJokeWednesdayDennis Quaid's birthday is here! Happy birthday DQ. I hope Dennis Quaid has the time of his life.I hope I look that good when I'm you're age. RT Having a late and amazing, final birthday bash with my friends @TheEllenShow #LoveLifeWould I lie to you, Hayley? RT @EllieGoulding :)"@heyhayleyr Is Ellie on Ellen next week or is my tv teasing me? (Wear another cat sweater)"I made a video of some of my favorite @RobLowe movie moments. Well, I didn't, but my gay producer Matt did. Enjoy. http://t.co/vvN9zYyWxoWhy do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. #ClassicJokeWednesday
4/9
2014
Looking forward to the "Survivor Diaries" tonight on AC360. What an inspiring story. #AdrianneStrong http://t.co/bc2PsgXgkRI love all of my followers equally. That said, only 1 of you is gonna win tkts to the MTV Movie Awards this weekend. http://t.co/QFmUnJLZK2I want to thank @UW for coming to my Twitter challenge! Y'all had so much energy, and that was before the coffee.My writer Lauren dressed up as a person on "Naked and Afraid". Dressed up may be the wrong word #ReasonstoLoveLauren http://t.co/L7bQvfov2TThanks to @JonathanQuick32 of the @LAKings for surprising young piano prodigy Daniel Clark Bouchard. He was a big fan. Now I am, too.It's #EqualPayDay2014! I support equal pay. Everyone at my show gets paid the exact same amount. Excuse me, I'm being told that's not true.
4/8
2014
I think we could all be a little more like Deb Cohan. Jeannie interviewed her for my Good News Blog on @YahooShine. http://t.co/MPLlCrFEgm.@AloeBlacc is the man. http://t.co/nExODBfdLmIf you're in Seattle, get to Rainier Vista at @UW now. We have a huge crowd. It's gonna be awesome. You're gonna be on my show today.Hey Seattle, I want you dressed up as Seattle's Best! Whatever that means to you. But if I don't see a Space Needle, I'll be disappointed.Way to go Kentucky & UCONN! I’ll be watching tonight. Now it's down to my final 4 audience dancers! http://t.co/n9DiRzo2EuI wanna see Seattle's best at Rainier Vista at @UW today at 2:30pm. There are gonna be some big prizes!My crew says it's a beautiful day in Seattle @UW. I can't wait to see it live from my studio. &anyone who shows up there, of course. 2:30pm!Today's the day, Seattle! Grab some @SeattlesBest coffee to get ready and follow my tweets for the deets!
4/7
2014
In Washington, DC with some of our fav supporters! #selfie @TheEllenShow @DrNealBarnard @westin_georgtwn http://t.co/LnIN0ccnAL
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresOn Monday, @SeattlesBest and I are gonna be lookin' for some of Seattle's best. If you've ever wanted to be on my show, clear your schedule.
4/5
2014
You might need one more thing before you start your day. http://t.co/u1z8B0RsS4I hope you're planning a great weekend. If you're near @UW Seattle, get lots of rest, because I may have a surprise for you on Monday.If you missed today's show, here are 3 of my favorite people: Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield & @IamJamieFoxx. I love 'em http://t.co/ahGMAY1d4FStephanie works on my show. Stephanie loves @LukeBryanOnline. Stephanie will never be the same. http://t.co/tVrXkcvKVEThe cast of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is, well, amazing. https://t.co/wV1qJZrlz3My Bigger Dance competition is in full swing! It's narrowed down to our top 8 dancers. Vote for your favorite, here! http://t.co/7jEebmDb5D
4/4
2014
That's the one "What was the movie with the guy where he has a thing & he figures something out but it's too late?" @MY921Regina: Titanic?"You never know where an act of kindness can come from. Like #Wrestlemania. I love this story from the @WWECommunity. http://t.co/kiwdgFQNfXHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/jKoJgiORL7David @Letterman announced he's retiring in 2015. It's been 31 incredible years. Television won't be the same without you, Dave.These Kickstarter campaigns are completely real. I know because I'm funding 2 of them. http://t.co/2z1VusgHHk#QuestionsIWishICouldGoogle What was the movie with the guy where he has a thing and he figures something out but it's too late?
4/3
2014
How did the tree feel in the spring? Releaved. #ClassicJokeWednesdayIt's almost time for Easter! If you've got a cute or hilarious Easter photo, send it to me here. http://t.co/FPpyGldl2GDid you hear the one about the roof? Nevermind, it's over your head. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHow helping others has paid off for chef Derrick Walton thanks to @TheEllenShow: http://t.co/5UksAbVney #payitforward
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresWhat can I say? I'm a fan. RT @tyleroakley A clip of me interviewing @PrincessSGB at the KCAs was on Ellen today?! http://t.co/8cvdajHk0VI was surprised when I saw the photoshop that was done to this ad. I was even more surprised when I met the model. http://t.co/Rsptk9udhe
4/2
2014
I love @Beck. http://t.co/poUgwMjLL8My friend Susie Conway is getting a new house thanks to @GAFRoofing, but first, we had to get rid of her old one. http://t.co/AZN9Ie0utXVery excited for my friend @Pharrell to be a judge on #TheVoice. He came over last night and practiced his chair turns on our La-Z-Boy.If you're feeling young and single, check out this new song from @JacksonGuthy. Happy Tuesday! http://t.co/V8pI0wZcbsThis kid should be in charge of the government. Or at least their flier printing department. http://t.co/8U5xhSIY3j
4/1
2014
This young man is so talented. I couldn't believe his performance on the show today. http://t.co/wSF80tfha8Today's the last day to #GetCovered. Everyone in my house is covered. We even have a covered garage. https://t.co/TUI5Cwt86lYou are hilarious. RT @amyschumer I'm on @TheEllenShow starting in 2 mins east coast!Welcome @ConnieBritton! If you want to tweet me, all you have to do is add #WatchEllenWeekdays to your tweet, and I'll get an email.Lohan behold! Look who was on my show today. http://t.co/9EV8UEXUJs#HappyOpeningDay! Buy me some peanuts & crackerjacks. I don't care if I ever get back. Actually, could I get back before 7pm?
3/31
2014
Sophia Grace and Rosie with @KaleyCuoco at the Kids' Choice Awards. She's never looked better. #KCA http://t.co/PZh10LMmz3I think I recognize those feet. #KCA http://t.co/gP7vnMjQcUBritish Invasion! @princesssgb and @princessrgm from #TheEllenShow have arrived on the Orange Carpet! https://t.co/74JD6gu18f
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
3/29
2014
I just paid my Spring Break bar tab. I'm officially Spring Broke.It's @LadyGaga's birthday! And I make no mistakes. I double checked my schedule. She was born today.Happy #CatPhotoFriday http://t.co/hlkyVp04WG
3/28
2014
This is from @LindsayLohan's appearance in 2005. She's back Monday. #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/x2g3YaVbcO
3/27
2014
Did you hear about the two bed bugs that met in the mattress? They were married in the spring. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhy can't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless. #ClassicJokeWednesdayIf you know a military wife pregnant with her first child, I want her in my Mother's Day show. Tell me about her here http://t.co/GiSRe0RsEqWhere did the sheep go on vacation? The Baaaaaahamas. #ClassicJokeWednesday
3/26
2014
It¹s International Waffle Day! I think I'm going to celebrate. No, I'm not. Actually, maybe I will. Nevermind. No, I will.Happy birthday @RyanLewis! I¹m popping tags in your honor. Please give @Macklemore a hug for me.
3/25
2014
Spring Breeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk!My writer, Lauren brought in some baked goods. They were baked. They were not good. http://t.co/EnCdtoGiXuDon't know how your Spring Break's goin' but if you're a 1st time pregnant mom, enter for tix to my Mother's Day show http://t.co/eeitlE4ttY.@TheEllenShow- No Brad Cooper but 3 Clintons & a Kimmel @BillClinton @HillaryClinton @ChelseaClinton #selfie http://t.co/GyGFxnUjfP
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
3/24
2014
If you need a good Spring Break read, check out "The Promise of a Pencil." @ScooterBraun http://t.co/pgXhGZ7EJn
3/22
2014
TGICPF (Thank goodness it's cat photo Friday) http://t.co/wfM92Y4Iq3
3/21
2014
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