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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

46,458 Following   28,499,285 Followers   8,719 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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The cast of #Scandal is raffling off a trip to L.A. to have brunch with them. I just entered 6 times. http://t.co/iwtq8VRouT.@BestBuy & @Shutterfly have been helping me surprise deserving people all year long. Thanks for everything you do. https://t.co/B6vawwBtTAI got a pair of tickets from @StubHub to go to #Coachella this weekend. Who wants 'em? Raise your bandana. http://t.co/W4EIFm95Y3I got a pair of Google Glasses! Or is it a Google Glass? I have no idea. Anyway, I got one. http://t.co/GxDubDhhgQIt's official – I’m the top of OUT's Power 50. Thanks to everyone who got me here. Sincerely, Your Leader. http://t.co/i90L1Mlk1eFollow my friend @KateWalsh. She's a wonderful person and I know she'll tweet you right. http://t.co/un0Lux4GdDSending my love to the people of Boston. Your spirit is incredible. #BostonStrongI went to bed before I saw the #BloodMoonEclipse, but I woke up to a lot of tiny, blurry photos of it on Facebook, so I didn't miss a thing
Follow @KateWalsh on Twitter for thrilling cat videos and occasionally videos like this. https://t.co/qqk3e3eEnqMe and @TheEllenShow #selfieking #selfiequeen wooooooohooooo LOVE HER! http://t.co/iC91inHnvr
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI love New York. If you don't believe me, click right here. http://t.co/N5uIFvxidS@TheEllenShow it is like musical chairs, but with sex and beheadings. #SoFarOnGameOfThrones
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresMy office smells like patchouli and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Welcome back from #Coachella, y'all.@TheEllenShow Welcome to the realm House DeGeneres. Enjoy your house sigil. #SoFarOnGameOfThrones #GameofThrones http://t.co/O3zQfAktms
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresEveryone's so excited about Game of Thrones, I think I wanna start watching. Can anyone catch me up really quick? #SoFarOnGameOfThrones
Congrats to @ChanningTatum on winning the Trailblazer award! Little known fact, "Trailblazer" was Channing's stripper name. #MTVMovieAwardsBeautiful speech by my friend @JaredLeto. I love you. #MTVMovieAwardsVery happy to see Veggie Grill on this list. I want one in my living room. http://t.co/qaWpkZjL1Z
Portia just got out of the car to see what the hold-up was & discovered I drove into a parking lot. Apparently we’re still in LA #CoachellaWe're at a standstill. Someone wheeled up a grocery cart & loaded their car. When they say LA traffic's bad, they ain't kidding #CoachellaPortia says the "GPS" says I went the "wrong way". Apparently someone trusts a robot over my finely-tuned sense of directions. #CoachellaCan't wait to hear all the amazing bands at #Coachella. I've had "Let It Go" stuck in my head for 3 months. Definitely worth the traffic.The traffic getting to #Coachella is crazy! Portia and I have been stuck for 10 minutes. It's like a parking lot out here.Does anyone know if "hosting the Oscars" counts as a deduction?I keep getting emails to change my passwords. I'm not falling for it. I'm sticking with "Portia123" thank you very much.Stop it. Just stop it. http://t.co/fV2mtvXnM4
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/zPOVY5pxX9I can't wait to see this ink on #Scandal tonight. @guillermodiazyo http://t.co/3F94ZbYqnUI didn't realize President Bush was such a fan. http://t.co/eMcli9HsP1
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhich school do you learn how to greet people? Hi School. #ClassicJokeWednesdayDennis Quaid's birthday is here! Happy birthday DQ. I hope Dennis Quaid has the time of his life.I hope I look that good when I'm you're age. RT Having a late and amazing, final birthday bash with my friends @TheEllenShow #LoveLifeWould I lie to you, Hayley? RT @EllieGoulding :)"@heyhayleyr Is Ellie on Ellen next week or is my tv teasing me? (Wear another cat sweater)"I made a video of some of my favorite @RobLowe movie moments. Well, I didn't, but my gay producer Matt did. Enjoy. http://t.co/vvN9zYyWxoWhy do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. #ClassicJokeWednesday
Looking forward to the "Survivor Diaries" tonight on AC360. What an inspiring story. #AdrianneStrong http://t.co/bc2PsgXgkRI love all of my followers equally. That said, only 1 of you is gonna win tkts to the MTV Movie Awards this weekend. http://t.co/QFmUnJLZK2I want to thank @UW for coming to my Twitter challenge! Y'all had so much energy, and that was before the coffee.My writer Lauren dressed up as a person on "Naked and Afraid". Dressed up may be the wrong word #ReasonstoLoveLauren http://t.co/L7bQvfov2TThanks to @JonathanQuick32 of the @LAKings for surprising young piano prodigy Daniel Clark Bouchard. He was a big fan. Now I am, too.It's #EqualPayDay2014! I support equal pay. Everyone at my show gets paid the exact same amount. Excuse me, I'm being told that's not true.
I think we could all be a little more like Deb Cohan. Jeannie interviewed her for my Good News Blog on @YahooShine. http://t.co/MPLlCrFEgm.@AloeBlacc is the man. http://t.co/nExODBfdLmIf you're in Seattle, get to Rainier Vista at @UW now. We have a huge crowd. It's gonna be awesome. You're gonna be on my show today.Hey Seattle, I want you dressed up as Seattle's Best! Whatever that means to you. But if I don't see a Space Needle, I'll be disappointed.Way to go Kentucky & UCONN! I’ll be watching tonight. Now it's down to my final 4 audience dancers! http://t.co/n9DiRzo2EuI wanna see Seattle's best at Rainier Vista at @UW today at 2:30pm. There are gonna be some big prizes!My crew says it's a beautiful day in Seattle @UW. I can't wait to see it live from my studio. &anyone who shows up there, of course. 2:30pm!Today's the day, Seattle! Grab some @SeattlesBest coffee to get ready and follow my tweets for the deets!
In Washington, DC with some of our fav supporters! #selfie @TheEllenShow @DrNealBarnard @westin_georgtwn http://t.co/LnIN0ccnAL
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresOn Monday, @SeattlesBest and I are gonna be lookin' for some of Seattle's best. If you've ever wanted to be on my show, clear your schedule.
You might need one more thing before you start your day. http://t.co/u1z8B0RsS4I hope you're planning a great weekend. If you're near @UW Seattle, get lots of rest, because I may have a surprise for you on Monday.If you missed today's show, here are 3 of my favorite people: Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield & @IamJamieFoxx. I love 'em http://t.co/ahGMAY1d4FStephanie works on my show. Stephanie loves @LukeBryanOnline. Stephanie will never be the same. http://t.co/tVrXkcvKVEThe cast of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is, well, amazing. https://t.co/wV1qJZrlz3My Bigger Dance competition is in full swing! It's narrowed down to our top 8 dancers. Vote for your favorite, here! http://t.co/7jEebmDb5D
That's the one "What was the movie with the guy where he has a thing & he figures something out but it's too late?" @MY921Regina: Titanic?"You never know where an act of kindness can come from. Like #Wrestlemania. I love this story from the @WWECommunity. http://t.co/kiwdgFQNfXHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/jKoJgiORL7David @Letterman announced he's retiring in 2015. It's been 31 incredible years. Television won't be the same without you, Dave.These Kickstarter campaigns are completely real. I know because I'm funding 2 of them. http://t.co/2z1VusgHHk#QuestionsIWishICouldGoogle What was the movie with the guy where he has a thing and he figures something out but it's too late?
How did the tree feel in the spring? Releaved. #ClassicJokeWednesdayIt's almost time for Easter! If you've got a cute or hilarious Easter photo, send it to me here. http://t.co/FPpyGldl2GDid you hear the one about the roof? Nevermind, it's over your head. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHow helping others has paid off for chef Derrick Walton thanks to @TheEllenShow: http://t.co/5UksAbVney #payitforward
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresWhat can I say? I'm a fan. RT @tyleroakley A clip of me interviewing @PrincessSGB at the KCAs was on Ellen today?! http://t.co/8cvdajHk0VI was surprised when I saw the photoshop that was done to this ad. I was even more surprised when I met the model. http://t.co/Rsptk9udhe
I love @Beck. http://t.co/poUgwMjLL8My friend Susie Conway is getting a new house thanks to @GAFRoofing, but first, we had to get rid of her old one. http://t.co/AZN9Ie0utXVery excited for my friend @Pharrell to be a judge on #TheVoice. He came over last night and practiced his chair turns on our La-Z-Boy.If you're feeling young and single, check out this new song from @JacksonGuthy. Happy Tuesday! http://t.co/V8pI0wZcbsThis kid should be in charge of the government. Or at least their flier printing department. http://t.co/8U5xhSIY3j
This young man is so talented. I couldn't believe his performance on the show today. http://t.co/wSF80tfha8Today's the last day to #GetCovered. Everyone in my house is covered. We even have a covered garage. https://t.co/TUI5Cwt86lYou are hilarious. RT @amyschumer I'm on @TheEllenShow starting in 2 mins east coast!Welcome @ConnieBritton! If you want to tweet me, all you have to do is add #WatchEllenWeekdays to your tweet, and I'll get an email.Lohan behold! Look who was on my show today. http://t.co/9EV8UEXUJs#HappyOpeningDay! Buy me some peanuts & crackerjacks. I don't care if I ever get back. Actually, could I get back before 7pm?
Sophia Grace and Rosie with @KaleyCuoco at the Kids' Choice Awards. She's never looked better. #KCA http://t.co/PZh10LMmz3I think I recognize those feet. #KCA http://t.co/gP7vnMjQcUBritish Invasion! @princesssgb and @princessrgm from #TheEllenShow have arrived on the Orange Carpet! https://t.co/74JD6gu18f
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
I just paid my Spring Break bar tab. I'm officially Spring Broke.It's @LadyGaga's birthday! And I make no mistakes. I double checked my schedule. She was born today.Happy #CatPhotoFriday http://t.co/hlkyVp04WG
This is from @LindsayLohan's appearance in 2005. She's back Monday. #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/x2g3YaVbcO
Did you hear about the two bed bugs that met in the mattress? They were married in the spring. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhy can't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless. #ClassicJokeWednesdayIf you know a military wife pregnant with her first child, I want her in my Mother's Day show. Tell me about her here http://t.co/GiSRe0RsEqWhere did the sheep go on vacation? The Baaaaaahamas. #ClassicJokeWednesday
It¹s International Waffle Day! I think I'm going to celebrate. No, I'm not. Actually, maybe I will. Nevermind. No, I will.Happy birthday @RyanLewis! I¹m popping tags in your honor. Please give @Macklemore a hug for me.
Spring Breeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk!My writer, Lauren brought in some baked goods. They were baked. They were not good. http://t.co/EnCdtoGiXuDon't know how your Spring Break's goin' but if you're a 1st time pregnant mom, enter for tix to my Mother's Day show http://t.co/eeitlE4ttY.@TheEllenShow- No Brad Cooper but 3 Clintons & a Kimmel @BillClinton @HillaryClinton @ChelseaClinton #selfie http://t.co/GyGFxnUjfP
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
If you need a good Spring Break read, check out "The Promise of a Pencil." @ScooterBraun http://t.co/pgXhGZ7EJn
TGICPF (Thank goodness it's cat photo Friday) http://t.co/wfM92Y4Iq3
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