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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

40,057 Following   29,974,466 Followers   9,104 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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My life would suck without @kelly_clarkson. RT @TheGRAMMYs Still our favorite photobomb from the 55th #GRAMMYs... http://t.co/Usbjf56dAhWhy did the man have to break into song? He couldn't find the key. #ClassicJokeWednesday
7/30
2014
I’ll never forget these two principals from Oklahoma. I’m so happy I was able to help them. http://t.co/QsyRNFW20NA big win for marriage equality from the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals! Very exciting. I think this means it’s time for my 4th Circuit party.
7/29
2014
Make sure your dogs have a way to keep cool in the heat! These pups have a few suggestions. http://t.co/XTHIY4JFVT
7/28
2014
It’s Bagpipe Appreciation Day and National Take Your Pants for a Walk Day! Which, if you think about it, are strangely similar.
7/27
2014
I don't know where these people are, but I'm going to fly there, rent a kayak, and wait. http://t.co/GwX4hoUGbs
7/25
2014
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/sj5bzSvZim
7/24
2014
Why did the baker have to go to the bank? He kneaded dough. #ClassicJokeWednesdaySo annoying when people brag on twitter & that's why I'm not tweeting that Portia just signed on to do a top secret arc on "Scandal". Oops.
7/23
2014
Cats aren’t great at Hide and Go Seek. http://t.co/TeUjD0EqXB http://t.co/0WDMIcrK78
7/22
2014
Check out my friend's solo CD. Happy New Music Monday! http://t.co/Phx3GtKrkCAmen. RT The President is taking action to protect #LGBT workers from employment discrimination: http://t.co/ULQuMBzOaT #WorkplaceEquality
7/21
2014
I found a great new spa treatment. http://t.co/snj06b85ciNelson Mandela was born into a world of unbelievable injustice, and he changed it. Imagine if all the world’s people aspired to that.
7/18
2014
Two of my favorite “Williams” are on the show today - Robin and Pharrell! Throw in Billy Dee and I could’ve had the full set.YES! @jason_mraz's new album is out now. Get it on iTunes: http://t.co/mjwAIFLJtaHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/r8dFVWN6Np
7/17
2014
Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI was supposed to look for my missing watch yesterday, but I couldn't find the time. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI'm so excited, I have to tell my Grammy. RT @TheAcademy Congrats to @TheEllenShow… and all our Emmy nominees for their work on the Oscars!
7/16
2014
All of these photos definitely have a theme. http://t.co/kh8NNNCcJ7
7/15
2014
Being this adorable should be considered a crime. http://t.co/Sp5PFmjSvXLooks like I just found Mama's Christmas present. http://t.co/mxjgBwDZd4
7/14
2014
Happy birthday to the hilarious @LoniLove. I hope you're celebrating with some brown liquor. http://t.co/MLrfGoxhzW
7/12
2014
There’s nothing better than waking up to some oatmeal. Happy #CatPhotoFriday! http://t.co/9UypHCounp
7/11
2014
Congrats to @JimmyKimmel on your baby girl! You are lucky to have a beautiful wife, three kids and a Guillermo.This round of musical chairs will go down in history. I’m not sure for what, but it will. http://t.co/q5tfMv9MhYHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/dpwWNFY52g
7/10
2014
Congrats to @RyanGosling and @EvaMendes! That's going to be the most beautiful, bilingual, part-superhero, well-dressed, romantic baby ever.#CousinsUndercover and @TheEllenShow team up again tonight on @hgtv! We honor a Purple Heart hero. #honorourveterans http://t.co/8QKjVnbAyz
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresDid you hear about the kid who used a paintball gun on his art test? He passed with flying colors. #ClassicJokeWednesdayDid you see the guy who took the airline to trial for misplacing his luggage? They lost the case. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy birthday, @tomhanks! “Apollo 13,” “Forrest Gump,” “Cast Away,” “The Departed,” “Legally Blonde.” Thank you for lending me your DVDs.
7/9
2014
Thanks to the Detroit Academy of Arts and Sciences Choir for helping me with this promo. Y'all sounded wonderful. http://t.co/wzbl1W8ydeHeads Up! Here’s a montage of my favorite moments from my favorite game. http://t.co/6A0dv4M6VoWhatever you’re doing this Tuesday, I hope it involves a nap with a chicken. http://t.co/WLRStmgHYs
7/8
2014
The ‘Heads Up!’ deck from Google Play is now on iPhones and iPads! This week just got a lot more fun. http://t.co/9JKYufSVaPIt’s Macaroni Day! When I was 8, I made a macaroni necklace for my teacher. When I was 10, I learned you’re not supposed to cook it first.
7/7
2014
My tongue is red, white and blue because I was eating a Papa Smurf popsicle.
7/4
2014
Happy #ThrowbackThursday! http://t.co/GBs8YDH77F
7/3
2014
RT if you will be watching an amazing #cousinsundercover episode with @TheEllenShow on @hgtv get the tissues ready! http://t.co/2f6ldKlOo7
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresWhere did the astronaut go for a drink? The space bar. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhat did the dolphin say when the 3 orcas showed up late? "Whale whale whale." #ClassicJokeWednesday“Tammy” opens today! Melissa McCarthy makes me laugh every time I see her. Even on billboards.
7/2
2014
I'll take a tall drink of water, and step on it. http://t.co/bGvlyy2WXbTmrw on their show, the @CousinsTV are showing the behind-the-scenes of home makeover they did on my show. It’s like Ellen, Behind the MusicHappy Canada Day! I’m celebrating with a Canada Dry and @morissette. And maybe @SarahMcLachlan. Don’t know if I’ll have time.
7/1
2014
You can run, but you can't hide. http://t.co/1EuVFSiXBbNow this is a kid with talent. http://t.co/dmY73uK7QHIt’s National Meteor Day! I had no idea it was Meteor Day, but I was walking the dog this morning and out of nowhere it hit me.
6/30
2014
Happy birthday to the lovely and talented @KelliePickler. I hope you’re celebrating with the people you love, and some hooch.
6/28
2014
Have you ever heard a porcupine laugh? http://t.co/25zIBCAkvfHappy Friday! If you don't get a chance to ride a water slide today, this 5-year-old did it for you. http://t.co/lXLDNtEJmM.@EllieGoulding let it burn on my show. I love this performance. http://t.co/qhn2E6NoLIWonderful! I'll get my flower girl dress ready. RT @CourteneyCox I’m engaged to him! http://t.co/GIg02bzTxg
6/27
2014
Julia Roberts loves scaring her children. This is why I love her. http://t.co/N4D2n05RyRIf you have an Android, I've got exciting news! There’s a fun new Heads Up! deck from Google that you’re gonna love. http://t.co/49hRGZl4OhHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/Z44q6AhumjA year ago today, the Supreme Court ruled that marriage is a right we should all be allowed. Today, 31 states have agreed. Change feels good
6/26
2014
Happy birthday, @RickyGervais! I have a life-sized print of this in our guest bathroom. http://t.co/2qWiO1UgTdThere's a genie in the bottle! Very excited to hear @Xtina is having another baby.What did the pickle say to the sandwich that didn't want him around? Dill with it. #ClassicJokeWednesdayYou have to crawl before you can walk. And you have to have a dog teach you how. http://t.co/kiIM9SaFqZWhy did the man unfriend his acupuncturist on Facebook? She kept poking him. #ClassicJokeWednesdayYesterday I had a sloth video for @IMKristenBell. Today I have something for you, @DaxShepard1. http://t.co/NzpA1frEtDI love @DianeSawyer's work and I cherish her friendship. She's done such an incredible job as host of "ABC World News."
6/25
2014
Scientific Fact: Baby goats become cuter the less traction they have. http://t.co/yciwqLDw2KI love @Coldplay. http://t.co/j2QshgceAL.@IMKristenBell is expecting another baby! Congratulations to you and @DaxShepard1! I already got you a present. http://t.co/YCLJINk6nVI came up with a great new invention for people who like to stay fit and answer the phone. At the same time. http://t.co/fKefJjwZc7
6/24
2014
This year I found out what the fox says. And then I said it. http://t.co/3zK7lQUAJMI won a Daytime Emmy! #DaytimeEmmys with @andylassner, @edglavin, @maryconnelly, @theellenshow http://t.co/Sr3Wslmb7W
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresHappy birthday, @Jason_Mraz. You mrake me very happy.If you saw sheep jumping across my show today, you aren't crazy. But you could win $25,000! Find out more here. http://t.co/Rie5ZR37tKThis cover of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" is stunning. @SamSmithWorld, you are incredible. http://t.co/V4ehZNrKBBMy show won the Emmy for Entertainment Talk Show! My staff works so hard every day. I'm so happy. I think this counts as a Christmas bonus.
6/23
2014
My writters one four riting! oMG. Congrats Kevin, Lauren, Jason, Amy, Adam, Travis and Gil! #CreativeArtsEmmysCongrats to Jay, Marisa, Dirk, Brian, Aly and Daniel on their win at the #CreativeArtsEmmys & to the rest of my incredible team.My audio engineer Terry Fountain beat cancer and won an Emmy. Congratulations, Terry. I couldn't be more proud. #CreativeArtsEmmysI love that you can share videos from Heads Up! I love looking at @AdamLevine. Those are 2 reasons I'm posting this http://t.co/9Z16cyOL1UVery happy to hear @RealTracyMorgan is out of the hospital. I hope he continues to get better. Sending love, Tracy."Think Like a Man Too" opens tonight! If you love @IAmSteveHarvey and @KevinHart4Real the way I do, I know where you'll be.I met Sirdeaner Walker on my show. She founded a wonderful anti-bullying foundation. Find out more about it, here. http://t.co/OkFUPWY1Zu
6/20
2014
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/SblUtZKik3My @MileyCyrus episode is airing today. http://t.co/cGBUkTYltcMy Executive Producer @AndyLassner is on Buzzfeed! http://t.co/01ywrYV0iFHappy birthday, @Macklemore! I've got $20 in my pocket with your name on it.
6/19
2014
This foul ball made this @Phillies fan very happy. The video made me very happy. http://t.co/asUxqSXdjwMy friend asked me what to do about her Kleptomania. I told her she should probably take something. #ClassicJokeWednesdayBradley Cooper totally stole my phone. RT @HuffPostUKPics The stakes just got higher ;) @TheEllenShow http://t.co/LYDisHQezwI love what this man did to save a kitten. He's my kind of hero. http://t.co/t944FrwQ1TI just found out you can put GIFs on Twitter http://t.co/TkuJWhn5ZgWho could forget when @GwynethPaltrow discussed her body hair with me. If you said "me", you should watch this. http://t.co/3nWKwt37Ki
6/18
2014
Jaden Newman is only 9, but she's going places. The University of Miami to be exact. Watch this. http://t.co/seYJqrDXslJoin the fight against LGBT discrimination: http://t.co/T8h5dOHudd
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres.@LeoDiCaprio just made the future of the ocean 7 million times brighter. He's an incredible person. http://t.co/m0AaXNlPaNZach @FinalCutKing is amazing with special effects. At least I hope those are special effects. https://t.co/MsX2nOR8jcMalia Obama, when you're done as a production assistant on Halle Berry's show, come work on mine. I can start you as an executive producer.I talk a lot about the @GentleBarn on my show. If you've ever wanted to learn more about it, check out this book. http://t.co/ysbXQBKUjm
6/17
2014
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