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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

39,360 Following   30,818,463 Followers   9,188 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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This little piggy went viral. Adorable. http://t.co/a03hZqiZQ1What’s the most popular sitcom in the ocean? Tuna Half Men #ClassicJokeWednesday
I had a great time shooting this with @ChelseaHandler. Interesting fact - her breasts are pixilated in real life. https://t.co/PwoAsYAn8XThat baby is too dang cute! RT @drewbrees The best selfie ever!I love getting a tweet from @pitbull on National Dog Day. RT: Thank you @TheEllenShow and congrats on the new season https://t.co/kagV9Uw0pRHappy National Dog Day! http://t.co/B2kzZJFgcpThanks, @VanstoneL! Now, if you could just send me the cat, we’ll be all set.It's Melissa McCarthy’s birthday! How are the post offices still open?This cockatoo is the Oprah of biscuits. You get a biscuit! You get a biscuit! EVERYBODY GETS A BISCUIT! http://t.co/N8kAz4KWsk
Congratulations, "Modern Family!" They said America wasn’t ready, but you proved them wrong. Of course, I’m talking about @SofiaVergara.It's an amazing night for @BreakingBad_AMC. Congratulations! I can't wait for next season.Way to go, @OfficialJLD! Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Such a great category. I’m so proud that a woman won. #Emmys.@AllisonBJanney takes home another Emmy! Wonderful. I added it to her Tinder profile.Somebody get this parrot a motorcycle jacket. http://t.co/Pj9iftYvqwGood luck tonight, @SethMeyers! If you get nervous, just picture everyone naked. Based on the outfits at the VMAs, it shouldn't be hard.Happy birthday, Ben Falcone! I’m giving ya the gift of reminding you that your wife, Melissa McCarthy’s birthday is tomorrow. You’re welcomeI need to teach my cats this. Right now they’re working on putting the cap back on the toothpaste. http://t.co/LTjV1tJzSh
Hoping that everyone involved in the Napa #earthquake is okay. Thank you to all the incredible rescue workers.
Happy #CatVideoFriday! #TGIF http://t.co/Bk2ZZEINCIFXX is airing #EverySimpsonsEver. I can’t wait for my episode. I’ll see you August 31st at 3:30am!Happy biirthday, Kristen Wiig!
This @Coldplay playlist is my spirit animal. http://t.co/YpRmtg4hQjHappy #ThrowbackThursday! Today I’m throwing all the way back. http://t.co/GdqZ0V02zqIf you watch 1 #ALSIceBucketChallenge, make it this. @CarbajalPhoto, I'll accept if you come on my premiere show. https://t.co/rCOC4EZ8NNI have the same hesitation about getting off the couch. http://t.co/VXLoIc1gV5Happy birthday @HaydenPanettier! I’ve got something in the oven baking for your birthday! I hear you have something in the oven, too.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI'll let someone else share this song with the world,Someone who helped inspire it. And @theellenshow -you truly inspire me. #shatteredglass
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI love that @BradPaisley chose me to premiere his incredible new song. Almost as much as I love this song. https://t.co/uT8ogTPXwdWhy wasn’t the cow worried when her spare tire burst? She had an udder. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy birthday, @AndrewGarfield! I almost forgot today was the day, but then I saw it on the web. #ClassicJokeWednesday
Local commercials aren’t always bad. Sometimes they’re, well, they’re this. http://t.co/ToMNct1oyxHappy birthday, @MatthewPerry! I didn’t know what to get you, so I thought I would just remind you of this moment. http://t.co/IvQDZqNESiHappy birthday, Mr. President @BillClinton!To watch David Letterman’s admiration for Robin Williams is overwhelming. What a beautiful tribute. https://t.co/eB7lOuqMxs
Don't mess with @TaylorSwift13, or she will write an incredibly catchy song about you. http://t.co/ryYA6Mp25ICongratulations to the wonderful @AllisonBJanney on her Emmy win! That makes 5! Incredible. I have more than that, but still, great work.The world is made with code. And, as @Beyonce said, who run the world? Girls. http://t.co/cKuXoJVOSiCongrats @Xtina and baby Summer Rain! I hear she’s already hanging out with baby North West! Nope, never mind. That was a weather report.This happens every time I try to shoot a time-lapse video of Glacier National Park http://t.co/7zyPqsZ1xP
Look what my wife did for our wedding anniversary. Six!" http://t.co/x97HmvnG6Y
Steeeerike! Mo'ne Davis is the first girl to pitch a Little League World Series shutout. Talk about groundbreaking.I’m absolutely doing this next time I’m at the beach. http://t.co/8LlfLEGnKI@TheEllenShow welcome to our family. X
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresHappy #CatPhotoFriday http://t.co/zutPUNRLasThis kid is incredible. I think I just found the drummer for my Devo tribute band. http://t.co/6UIKh5sDE0I saw the water bottle in the “Downton Abbey” photo, but I’m surprised no one noticed the underwear. http://t.co/ZQu6749OAF#HappyBirthdayJenniferLawrence! You’ve accomplished so much, it’s astounding. I’m sure nobody remembers how you tripped at the Oscars.
Happy birthday, Mila Kunis! I don’t know when you’re due, but if you play your cards right, you could turn this birthday into a two-fer.Our First Family Photo http://t.co/txevAfU8ycFor the 1st time ever, a woman has won the Fields Medal for math! Congratulations, Maryam Mirzakhani! You really gave it 135%.There’s a tiny new anchor on the Today Show! Congratulations, @SavannahGuthrie and baby Vale!
Why did the cross country skier retire? His career started to go downhill. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy #ClassicJokeWednesday #SharkWeek http://t.co/ByWSUgSYMDI just got 3 times happier. http://t.co/bCuIDRwd82Where do spiders find mates? On the web. #ClassicJokeWednesday
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
I can’t believe the news about Robin Williams. He gave so much to so many people. I’m heartbroken.Happy Shark Week! I love a week dedicated to the ocean’s most unforgiving predators. I can say that. Some of my best friends are sharks.Happy birthday, Viola Davis! I can’t wait to watch your new show. @ShondaRhimes really knows how to pick actresses.The #supermoon was incredible. One of the best. At least that's what I hear. I fell asleep while it was still light out. Did it have a cape?
All this kitty needs is a racket and a corporate sponsor. http://t.co/JcmzvlmOf0
A baby armadillo playing with a teddy bear. My life is now complete. http://t.co/di0jxQvJc4Here are some of my favorite moments from “Kevin the Cashier.” It gets me every time. http://t.co/iiSbmHlEYpMy friend, @official_tWitch’s movie, “Step Up: All In,” opens today! Step up, step out, and step on over to the movie theater.It’s World Cat Day! If only I had an adorable cat photo to share with you. Oh wait, I do. http://t.co/UmyAFbBox6
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/1PDz4ADPMFNothin says #TBT like dance class photos. I never took class, but I’m sure glad these folks did. #Natural #HumbleBrag http://t.co/kSrfeVngAGHappy birthday, @CharlizeAfrica. Portia & I are playing Scrabble tonight and you're welcome to come. Bring your family. #GameofTherons
Why did the elevator go see the doctor? It was coming down with something. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhere did the seaweed go to find a job? The Kelp Wanted section. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI got my hands on an iPhone 6. It’s wider & heavier, but I like it. 2 screens! Apple didn’t send it, I just glued 2 iPhone 3s back-to-back.A piece of advice I wish someone had told me: Wear shower sandals. #FreshmanAdvice
This is too cute. I can’t stand it. http://t.co/524tMF67q6This is insane. I've never met anyone who reacts the same way to @katyperry as I do. http://t.co/CgXx1UZjFKHappy #TransformationTuesday! Look what I just saw on the side of my studio. http://t.co/hO4F9b9cEaI love a hashtag I can get behind. #Anaconda http://t.co/4mgrY72vl6I wasn’t looking for another reason to love @TaylorSwift13, but I found one. http://t.co/SiBh7sTImZ
This guy plays his trombone ‘til the cows come home. http://t.co/x00Bw4Le56Happy birthday, Mr. President! Please send my love to Mrs. President and those two beautiful Vice Presidents, Sasha and Malia..@BachParadise premieres tonight. They’re all gonna leave paradise with something that lasts forever. Love. I'm talking about love.Just heard @NickiMinaj's #AnacondaOnITunes. I’m not saying I understood everything she said, I’m just saying please no one explain it to me.
Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson are two of the greatest living actors. They proved it on my show. http://t.co/z3bNGNzzJT
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/CGKWKRCwZl
My life would suck without @kelly_clarkson. RT @TheGRAMMYs Still our favorite photobomb from the 55th #GRAMMYs... http://t.co/Usbjf56dAhWhy did the man have to break into song? He couldn't find the key. #ClassicJokeWednesday
I’ll never forget these two principals from Oklahoma. I’m so happy I was able to help them. http://t.co/QsyRNFW20NA big win for marriage equality from the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals! Very exciting. I think this means it’s time for my 4th Circuit party.
Make sure your dogs have a way to keep cool in the heat! These pups have a few suggestions. http://t.co/XTHIY4JFVT
It’s Bagpipe Appreciation Day and National Take Your Pants for a Walk Day! Which, if you think about it, are strangely similar.
I don't know where these people are, but I'm going to fly there, rent a kayak, and wait. http://t.co/GwX4hoUGbs
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/sj5bzSvZim
Why did the baker have to go to the bank? He kneaded dough. #ClassicJokeWednesdaySo annoying when people brag on twitter & that's why I'm not tweeting that Portia just signed on to do a top secret arc on "Scandal". Oops.
Cats aren’t great at Hide and Go Seek. http://t.co/TeUjD0EqXB http://t.co/0WDMIcrK78
Check out my friend's solo CD. Happy New Music Monday! http://t.co/Phx3GtKrkCAmen. RT The President is taking action to protect #LGBT workers from employment discrimination: http://t.co/ULQuMBzOaT #WorkplaceEquality
I found a great new spa treatment. http://t.co/snj06b85ciNelson Mandela was born into a world of unbelievable injustice, and he changed it. Imagine if all the world’s people aspired to that.
Two of my favorite “Williams” are on the show today - Robin and Pharrell! Throw in Billy Dee and I could’ve had the full set.
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