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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

39,268 Following   33,788,779 Followers   9,471 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/rCTsEzPqj1Why don’t lobsters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish. #ClassicJokeFridayDon’t miss Boba Fett on my Halloween show and the star behind the helmet! http://t.co/P4gIcYr3KD
If you already love ellentube as much as I do and want it with you everywhere you go, there’s an app for that. http://t.co/1D0bjWZg3PHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/imMKrM51cYHe’s here today and he’s outrageous and hilarious. And adorable. And ridiculous. And candid. http://t.co/ZdYqE5zXVsShe’s here today. And she’s lovely and candid. http://t.co/QoFbbG1ByG.@Tim_Cook, CEO of one of the biggest companies on Earth, is proud to be gay. And I’m proud of him. http://t.co/kF1lYghlXgI sent @AndyLassner back through a haunted house. This time with his assistant, Jacqueline. Priceless. http://t.co/tNjBPj90KwThis is huge. Really, really huge. Welcome to ellentube. http://t.co/31HatXCWqd
My strippers were right! The @SFGiants take it! Congrats to the @Royals, too. That was an incredible series.Tomorrow, Noah Ritter is gonna tell me about going to the Texas State Fair. Apparently, it was a lot of fun. http://t.co/s0EMmh8YEmHappy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/eP5RLoTKWSThis is happening tmrw. @AndyLassner & his asst. Jacqueline in a haunted house. A scared little girl, & his assistant http://t.co/PthZDo1N4kIt’s #NationalCatDay and #NationalOatmealDay and #YoureWelcomeWednesdsay! Clearly, I had to post this. You’re welcome http://t.co/GebgLZHsQfHere’s an exclusive sneak peek at @LadyAntebellum’s new music video. Happy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/Q87dyhXAK6
Nominate anyone you like for the People’s Choice Awards! But if yer looking for America’s sweetheart- top row, 3 over http://t.co/5eIc7GbUEO.@TaylorSwift13’s performance of “Out of the Woods” was out of this world. http://t.co/epJrOtRWlmJulia Roberts has it all - looks, talent, brains, a beautiful family & my crimping iron. Happy birthday Julia! Seriously, I need that back.I can’t wait another 5 seconds. #5SOSonEllen RT @5SOS: We're performing on @TheEllenShow next Wednesday! http://t.co/6ePLrdWTqxHere’s the trailer to @ChrisRock’s new movie "Top Five." I can’t wait for December 12th. http://t.co/U7aLTlWKuB
.@TaylorSwift13 and I signed some posters. You wouldn’t want one, would you? http://t.co/W56gKLcrFO http://t.co/7XvQIDwec4Today’s the day! I’m throwing an album release party on my show for @TaylorSwift13! We're gonna party like it’s 1989! http://t.co/BA7uFFoynXIf you missed any of @TaylorSwift13's awesome performances on my show, you can watch 'em on http://t.co/PxpTQ2qnqr!Hey, @AndyLassner, remember that time I shot a LIVE show on QVC? http://t.co/1Fa6KhBcCEThere’s still time to pick up some Breast Cancer Awareness Ellen gear at the Ellen Shop. Fight cancer. Look adorable. http://t.co/kE4W289Yu4.@OKGo has a new music video out. I know you wanna stop what you’re doing and watch it. Okay. Go. http://t.co/LpSKWTL80E
Happy birthday @HillaryClinton! Remember when we went tie shopping & you said you were gonna "put it on your Bill" & laughed? I just got it.Tomorrow @TaylorSwift13 is here for the whole hour to celebrate her new CD, 1989. For real. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/OscLUmbFFZ
.@TaylorSwift13 is here Monday! So long as no sea urchins get her before then. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/klUyqKBEIrHappy birthday @KatyPerry! Did you know if you mix up the letters in Katy Perry you get Party Yekr? Anyway, happy birthday!
It’s official – my home goods line has launched! I’m so happy. Watch again on @QVC @ 8pm PST & get the items here. http://t.co/CN3HISfOojSending this tweet from the set of my @QVC special. We're still live! There's half an hour left.Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/DRk25GULtUMy live @QVC special starts in 20 minutes! Your holiday shopping could be over by the end of today, and it’s not even November. Here we go!Why did Beethoven sell his chickens? Because all they said was "Bach Bach Bach” #ClassicJokeFridayIt’s the finale of “The Mattress Firm!" All the things you love about #HTGAWM minus most of them. #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/6lwPjKAmav3. More. Days. #TaylorOnEllen #OMG @TaylorSwift13 http://t.co/SvuiOlIBM3Today’s the day! My line of home goods goes live on @QVC! 5PST, 8EST, & sometime in between there for the middle. I’ll let you do the math.What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra. #ClassicJokeFriday
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/BJS5IUQD4UTomorrow, I’m launching my home goods line on @QVC! They’re already selling like hotcakes! Mental note - next time sell hotcakes, too.4 more. Days, that is. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/Aj3nam8LkE.@Fergie’s here today to show me some #LALove. I L.A.Love her. http://t.co/dkBHdNn3R1
Happy Caps Lock Day! See, you’d think I’d be celebrating by using all caps, but I’m not. It’s counter intuitive. Comedy.5 more days. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/dwedlWPhV5Happy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/mDXh2ARQQGBill Murray is on my show today for the very first time. He took this selfie backstage. This is gonna be good. http://t.co/R8jElY73oLHBD JTF! I didn’t get an invitation from you. WTF? (That stands for “where’s the fun,” right?) @JesseTyler
Six more days until @TaylorSwift13’s album release party on my show! http://t.co/eIxcOjF1jMIf you’re watching the World Series tonight, spoiler alert: I already predicted the winner using a classic technique. http://t.co/7a92ID9yNhHappy birthday @JudgeJudy and @KimKardashian! I can’t believe you have the same birthday. You have so much in common. So so much.
Be kind to one another. http://t.co/VHwBVQoBYC16 years ago, I started supporting @TrevorProject. Join me today by giving $16 to help save lives. http://t.co/vOUr0jBwPd #TrevorSweet16What do you get when you have two of the funniest people on TV on my show at the same time? This. http://t.co/4hmUV21YIdEvery show this week I’ll be hiding an entry to win tix to a 12 Days of Giveaways show in the Ellen app. Sync to win! http://t.co/pWEWmTeAFhHalloween's almost here! I wanna see your #ScaryTweets. I’ll start. Footprints in the snow lead to a window of my empty house. And end thereThis dog has a real future in journalism. http://t.co/aHGjISnTx9
Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/QDcIQNj6y7What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche. #ClassicJokeFridayWe're all @Bengals today! @Dev_Still71 http://t.co/UATBjL8684@TheEllenShow What do Italians eat on halloween? Fetuccini A-fraid-o
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres"The Book of Life" opens today! @ChanningTatum, @ZoeSaldana and @DiegoLuna_ are all here. It’s a perfect Friday. http://t.co/854ALYed2WIt’s National Pasta Day and #ClassicJokeFriday! Anyone know any good pasta jokes? A penne for your thoughts..@Dev_Still71 will be on @TheEllenShow this Friday at 4pm ET! #LetsRoar http://t.co/7ucRg0M11M
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
If you don't have a pair of these Ellen boxer briefs in your drawer then your truly missing o… http://t.co/XXklT2Yk8e http://t.co/e6f2g5hBTp
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI'm happy to see everyone's as excited about #CatWeek as I am! https://t.co/uFUf9zojNdHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/QwxRutA0kNI’m thrilled that @ActuallyNPH is hosting the Oscars. He’s charming and hilarious. Plus, maybe this year we’ll get a musical number.It’s #SpiritDay! Make sure to be kind to one another today, and then do it again tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next…
Come say, “Hi," sometime #EllenStyle RT @BenAffleck What can I say? #FincherStyle MT @TheEllenShow Loved Ben in Gone… http://t.co/VO6u8i06fNMy audience is so fancy. You already know. Here’s one thing they don’t know - the lyrics to that @IggyAzalea song. http://t.co/47umEKgKioIt’s a boy! Actually, it’s a @FallOutBoy. Congrats @PatrickStump and welcome baby Declan! See y’all in 2 weeks! http://t.co/aJ0xZw8BujHappy #CatWeek! http://t.co/CR275u3ihxHey @AndyLassner, I think you might be in the shot. https://t.co/YrZskhX88MHappy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/w8CWnFAL54Set the DVR... 5-year-old Utah Jazz player JP Gibson & his family will appear on @TheEllenShow on Thursday at 4pm MT! http://t.co/cYOAjLiiUT
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresYou can get @agjewelry at the http://t.co/aCEUgw944H for 20% off! Or, you could enter to win some for free right here http://t.co/GnoG8ovY0K#TurnipForWhat is my new jam. https://t.co/QqEPaHiiMN
My wife @PortiadeRossi and I sat down for a very serious interview while she was here. Seriously. It was serious. http://t.co/AbHkvK53BGI loved @BenAffleck in “Gone Girl” but I don’t remember seeing his big foam finger. http://t.co/VO6u8i06fN.@Waldo - Hey. Where are you?I’m glad @PortiadeRossi was on my show today. I finally got to ask her if we’re having a baby. http://t.co/JYs4bjmCUqHappy birthday to one of my favorite performers and people, @Usher! Have a wonderful day. Drop by my bushes any time. http://t.co/iHB4a2Kb6M
I just took the best #ThrowbackThursday photo. I can’t wait for 20 years from now to post it. You guys, it’s gonna be great.I sent @KymDouglas bra shopping at @Nordstrom. Just her, a secret earpiece and some hidden cameras #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/qx0tZNDYrHMy wife @PortiadeRossi is on the show tomorrow! I’m so excited. Plus, I get to use the carpool lane on my way to work.It's my 5th annual #CatWeek! If ya love crazy cat videos & adorable cat videos & funny cat videos… you were probably watching my show anyway
Ever since my wife joined Twitter she's become like paparazzi. RT @portiaderossi Ed has Scandal on her mind AND back! http://t.co/G1waXrHSd5
St. Vincent is my favorite movie. I said it. It’s my favorite movie. Now I said it twice. Go see it.Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/39fHaukuWHI rounded up my favorite tweetlys of the weekly, including one from my new favorite tweeter, @PortiadeRossi. http://t.co/zFHrAHKh4fI scared @AndyLassner with one of the scariest things imaginable -- a little baby girl dolly. http://t.co/SCNRBnXPqdDoes anyone know how the elevator business is? It has its ups and downs. #ClassicJokeFridayBig news. Huge. 2 weeks from today, I’m gonna be on @QVC! It’s going to be the best hour of shopping television in history.Shia LaBeouf spoke very openly on my show today. I’m glad he’s okay. http://t.co/FZBubdUzdg#MalalaYousafzai is the youngest person to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize. I’m astonished by her bravery. We should all be more like Malala.Happy birthday, @MarioLopezExtra! I’m celebrating by watching you host the @ALMAAwards tonight with @EvaLongoria. Alma be watching!
Tonight my favorite show is on! I love watching @PortiadeRossi on #Scandal. It makes me so happy. It also confuses the cats.Monday, @SelenaGomez is on the show! For now you'll have to settle for this selfie. http://t.co/Mr2HUXmVBF
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