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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,070 Following   418,439 Followers   6,575 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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The Black List's No. 1 Writer on Her Breakthrough: "I Stuck To My Guns" - The Hollywood Reporter http://t.co/DAOSOfPwys
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@scottEweinberg BUT TRI-STAR FILMS ARE FINE, RIGHT?! Please don't do this to me, Scott!
12/19
2014
@MysteryCr8tve @johngary @MuseZack @MysteryExec Back at all of you!@MuseZack @MysteryExec Wait until you guys read my GOGURT spec... SQUIRTING THIS JANUARY!
12/18
2014
Bruno Mars was wearing curlers on "The Voice" bc of a little sex game we have. He was also wearing a chastity belt u couldn't see. :)
12/17
2014
@BoobsRadley @kellyoxford my 3-legged cat Max murdered my parakeet in 1988. :(I love when Stephen King just pops up in your timeline like OH HEY GUYS, IT'S ME, THE GENIUS WHO MAKES NIGHTMARES, CHATTING WITH YOU@katierosman For real, me too.The stepdad from "Boyhood" was just trying to have a good time.@Tempdiaries I think she was was upstaged by the flying car.
12/16
2014
@MysteryExec It was pretty amazing. We were watching "The Avengers" and he was justifiably confused by the appearance of "Dean."You would not believe the junior high YM nightmare that just happened in my pants. Good thing I'm at home.I secretly like the bad, phone-surfing dads at the park more than the dads who are like WAY TO GO ZOEY HERE HAVE SOME GRAPES!!!!!!!@CopyDan I changed my gun into a walkie-talkie.When I was a teenager we put some old Super 8 movies on DVDs as a surprise for my grandma. I didn't splice footage of my dumb ass in there.@DrGMLaTulippe That's what I wanted to happen!The girl in that Apple commercial is making it about herself. Great, you can sing too. Let Grandma have something, shit.
12/15
2014
It's weird how so many of you have kids who are just like you. Mine are so different than me. For instance, they're outdoors right now.@popcultini You and me both! (Thank you.)
12/14
2014
@MysteryCr8tve :)@Todd_Spence especiallyA log of filth comes out of your favorite celeb's backside nearly every day!
12/13
2014
Movie Trivia: "Follow That Bird" was shot in one continuous take.
12/12
2014
@marcmaron get Safe as Milk if you don't have itAva DuVernay @avaetc makes history as first black woman nominated for best director at #GoldenGlobes: http://t.co/AnTVcDlwJN
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@BSilberling CONGRATULATIONS!!! #JaneTheVirgin
12/11
2014
@drewmagary BIG SPOONULA
12/9
2014
My 17-year old son Jonathan Story is missing. I last saw him on Friday 12/5 at 6:30pm. Please retweet and thank you! http://t.co/6yc6S35qk4
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
12/7
2014
@LosFelizDayCare Encountered a child named Kale yesterday. K-A-L-E, for real.
12/5
2014
@jeffytee now she's gonna have a lifelong thing for tall dark-haired dudes who withhold love.@natashaleggero @LisaKudrow x 1000. I don't understand why this isn't the top-rated program in America.@irwinhandleman The guy who played Jim Walsh was only 35 when the series began. I was very depressed when I found this out.@LoreneScafaria My initial response to you was going to be that the song doesn't count because Cetera's on backup!!! <3 #OneHeartOneMind@LoreneScafaria He should check it against a calendar and see which years the 4th fell on a Saturday. I feel like he could crack the case.@randomblackrain LUCKYI think about Nick Jonas a lot these days.
12/3
2014
@Sw33tDickWillie I can't figure it outDan so blazed that he just asked me if Chris Hemsworth was Dean McDermott.@NiaVardalos are you home??I put on Opium perfume today because I want to smell like your grandma's car.@bobbyfinger Unfortunately I have it on tape and she just picked it up wordlessly like DERRRSome dumbass stole Amy Poehler's book from my porch. Newsflash, bitch: Amy would hate you and you'll never be her friend.@jeffytee omg, fucking adorable!@IanKarmel We must regift beer steins to the Bavarians from whence they came. (I don't even know what I'm talking about.)We must reclaim "The Great Gatsby" from theme-party aficionados who don't own books.
12/1
2014
My son defiantly called me a "bad ass" thinking it was an insult, LOL, joke's on him.
11/30
2014
@MysteryExec @briankoppelman I've gotten sucked into "Casino" about 20 timesOn Thursday, I saw a lady reading this at our hotel pool, skimmed past the title and almost choked. http://t.co/X3aouA3OpX
11/29
2014
@louisvirtel You would like "This is America, Charlie Brown."
11/28
2014
"Whiplash" is astounding. Believe the hype. My heart was still pounding 10 minutes after the credits rolled.
11/26
2014
I just saw a real estate listing that boasted a "green-water pool!" like it was an amenity. Kind of a brilliant tactic, actually.@SarahSoWitty When it says "p.g.a." after your name, does it stand for "Puma Gettin' Accolades"?@jpatrickrigney It looked like a block of ramen, am I right?!
11/25
2014
Let's not forget: white kids did pretty much exactly this at Woodstock '99 because an Aquafina cost $6 and Fred Durst got them all het up.
Retweeted by Diablo CodyI have rotisserie chicken trapped in my bottom front teeth. What a legacy for this poor chicken. Stuck in some dumbass's cum garage.Does anyone else feel like they've run out of Internet?
11/24
2014
@LouisPeitzman I just told Dan that was my favorite part!@scottEweinberg It just happened!@LouisPeitzman It was perfection from beginning to end.@mollylambert Ha, I just tweeted basically the same thing. Incredible.Tonight's episode of "The Comeback" deserves an Emmy.
11/23
2014
@JoshBLevesque I'm in the orange monster in my profile pic w/ a Crunchwrap Supreme.@JoshBLevesque Yup!(SERIOUS FYI: I rarely check DMs because of weird anxiety disorder. If you need to reach me fast, I am at WME and often, NoHo Taco Bell. xo)@tobyherman27 SHAMPOO IS BETTER@MIKESNEDEGAR @dmaurio Love you! xoxo@dmaurio I'm sending my assistant@comediansandro Thank you! "Ricki and the Flash" this summer.One fun thing I do is write "Billy Madison" on my Academy ballot every year.@lianamaeby I know! More like 8 a week AT BEST.THIS CALLS FOR AN 11:45 AM CELEBRATION! RT @Esquiremag Most heavy drinkers aren't actually alcoholics, apparently: http://t.co/OzR0m9VyDl
11/21
2014
@Katbeast Boo, fuck him.Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. The Graduate. Silkwood. Working Girl. Mike Nichols specialized in female characters to worship forever.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@bjcolangelo I'm just a few episodes in and getting caught up. It goes fast. Very entertaining."Genie in a Bottle" is the best hit pop song about withholding sex from a guy and making him finger-blast you while you apply lip gloss.
11/20
2014
Does anyone want 2 German shepherds with diarrhea?.@NewYorker My son just rhymed "Kristoff" with "pissed off"; are you taking poetry submissions?@nbfarker You're right; it could be worse."carbs in mucinex" is officially my saddest Google search ever.
11/19
2014
@minhalbaig @edgarwright He gets bonus cute points for being English.@edgarwright omg@JohnRossBowie It's ableist, if anything.Billy Joel is talking about Taylor Swift in the news today and @billyeichner & @julieklausner have a TV show. When do I wake up w/ wet PJs?@lizmeriwether I am quickly catching up on Serial now that I know what to do with my body (look at furniture). I will text you soon.@tobyherman27 LIKEWISE, KITTEN. That is the sweetest thing ever and I will carry it close to my bosom all day. xoxo@billyeichner YES!!! Thank you @hulu!@julieklausner OMG!!!! This is my new favorite show!@taradublinrocks She's pretty magical!@tobyherman27 She was pretty much like "I know you didn't mean to grab my VMA because you're just a silly diaper-baby!"@tobyherman27 Literally listening to that right now.@tobyherman27 I know you're a Swiftie! Girl was mocking Kanye so hard!I know we've all moved on to parsing "1989," but "Innocent" is still the BIGGEST shade ever thrown by Taylor. Truly masterful.@JenKirkman My brother once pretended to be an imprisoned spousal abuser on a dating site, just to see if he'd get replies. Tons of women.@sarahcolonna Best of luck-- it'll be over soon! Love from us. xoHow is that stupid boner Charles Manson still alive and some of our best & coolest people are dead?YES. Strippers are robbed by most clubs; people have no idea. MT @AmandaMarcotte http://t.co/Bgx8HuLX4n … Big win for strippers
11/18
2014
@RyanHoulihan Get fried pickes & ride the wave.OK, I figured out I can listen to the murder podcast if I sit and look at photos of furniture! It's good!
11/17
2014
@JenKirkman "Chasing" kids, too. Where are they going? Get a fucking fence.When they ask celebs how they age so well, it's always "I drink lots of water!" and never a helpful/specific reply like "I vape deer scat."
11/15
2014
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