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My niece seriously just said to me, "we can't stop hugging and kissing you because we love you so much we don't wanna stop." THANKS, HEAVEN!Sicka "she." My new pronoun, henceforth, is Sporty Spice.@TomCatFM and I thine!I just wanna take a second to thank the stroke of butterfly for my tennis lesbian shoulders.listening to Ciara's "Like A Surgeon" while I burn the white soles of my feet on the beach. I believe in every part of this religion.@KatinaCorrao girl. I hope I never forget what that looked like on my droid.Finally read @SarahKSilverman 's The Bedwetter. We are wasting our lives not rallying for her to have more TV influence.@michaelcavadias YOU'RE NOT KIDDINI don't think it's very nice to do an acoustic set at the coffee shop at 8:30am.

Stanley Cup Hell #mybrotherListening to Elvis sing Danny Boy in my brother's used Lexus. Also, just peed in the ocean again.@LordEdith420 @perfectlildani will pick up on my way home@perfectlildani http://t.co/L6DvRUKBA6@perfectlildani I am at bojangles drive thruLast night I drank a beer and peed into the ocean on a sand bar on the coast of Sullivan's Island and my hair smells like the moon now.

Cole Escola on #SNL is a GENIUS idea. Could someone please send this to Lorne Michaels? http://t.co/7mZEWfab8d
Retweeted by Erin Markey.@billycheer I wouldn't mind being involved with Night of a Thousand Schmees.Trouble is most moms are too lazy. RT @NYMag: Gwyneth Paltrow Says Modeling Is ‘a Perfect Job for When You Have Kids’ http://t.co/JhOqEKlONE
Retweeted by Erin Markey

In honor of @HalfStraddle's Obie and in honor of our Earth's Summer: Secret Notebooks. #Obies https://t.co/PkmGGqN6WALet's hope my face doesn't fall off before tomorrow @ 7pm. Cause it's almost time for MOLLY POPE, OKAY? #Duplex RT
Retweeted by Erin MarkeyBridget & the Tender Moments @JoesPub 5/21 w/rocker @mrdavehill. TM's @MattRayMusic @adrock @carminecovelli & mike jackson all looking fresh
Retweeted by Erin Markey@MildlyBitter duh @HalfStraddle

guess what, honkies! @HalfStraddle won an OBIE!!If you've never eaten a can of beans before raise your hand. That's what I thought. Thank you, cans of beans. for everything.

I was so caught up in smartphone solitaire, I missed Christmas O' Clock. Feel so selfish.

Messy Buns For Prez!TONIGHT at BLUE WHALE: @BenRimalower 's PATTI ISSUES @ 10p with an opening performance by Spicky Hilton & Jacqueline Dupree!
Retweeted by Erin MarkeyMy show with @Kennymellman and @Benrimalower got a really awesome surprise review from @evincentelli at @nypost! http://t.co/6uMWvfswWY

@bluestockings (just playing devil's advocate)@bluestockings does it matter to you that if the paper plane gets wet, it loses it's ability to fly? Easier to fly a paper plane on fire.@amateurgourmet working out has never felt more right.

Congress is trying to pass a law that strollers can't be on sidewalks anymore. Just the street. If I wasn't before I am now: ANTI-GOVERNMENTI am watching a very talented gentleman on 3rd avenue text and operate a bulldozer at the same time.

@pussyfaggotnyc @NOTCHRISTYLER @dangerfishback @ErinMarlena @LanceHorne RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR, so bring YOUR sheet music.We just released about 8 tix for "Erin Markey at @JoesPub" tomorrow night at 9:30pm. http://t.co/raFYKZWM8mIllegal snacks from a rival cafe/ in an oily brown sack/ behind my laptop/ shhhh/ thanks for the memories/ cafe grumpyHaven't printed it out yet but gonna keep it in a folder so it stays clean. "@JoesPub: What goodness is on the set list for tmrw night erin"

@ShawnLaCountC1 Congrats, Shawn. Bring it to New York, please!

Would you rather have invented the bathtub or the gas pump? Be honest and no cheating.MS DOS, bitchesOur very own hilarious @ErinMarkey is performing at Joe's Pub this week. There's nothing you'd rather do. https://t.co/eI3UAUY6Mt
Retweeted by Erin Markey@svennysvensven I was totally walking down Norman street to get champers at that moment. But maybe that combo IS "smith street." Happy Bday!

SATURDAY NIGHT RIDDLE with @emilyemilydavis http://t.co/r7TFjZLAQp@taylorbcampbell @CommonWhiteGirI i think you had a date with a different erin markey, but I'm honored to have been cosmically there.

Abra Cadabra, SON

@michaelcavadias GEEERRL

@billycheer wish u were hereI hate to be the bearer of bad news but RAWRRRR.I like Anne Hathaway. I think she looks cute in a fake french revolution destitute whore haircut AND she's nice..@amosmacphotos "@JanelleBrown117: My blog for the week is up ! Mind Games http://t.co/08e0NeGvco."if tortilla chips were money, I would have so much cold hard cash in my stomach right now.I'm playing @JoesPub on May 16. Tix are here: http://t.co/raFYKZWM8m http://t.co/wSyZuW7eWr

@EVincentelli @macartney @NashvilleABCTV maybe Scarlett is moonlighting as that brokeback mountain neighbor??

.@EVincentelli @NashvilleABCTV I think Gunner just fucked shit up in that dept. Have to wait and see.@EVincentelli @NashvilleABCTV she's nobody's fool. except for that fatal moment when she is. WHAT IF SHE NEVER OUTGROWS HER TEEN FAN BASE???@SimoneBoheme @CLAGSNY @THATHollyHughes @josephkeckler apparently it will be live streamed....i only believe in the death penalty if the accused has turned a mother and a daughter against one another. #DANTE #NASHVILLE @NashvilleABCTV

Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name... @hotelchantelle @GioBlackPeter @erinmarkey - http://t.co/pLm2Ukr0Xx
Retweeted by Erin MarkeyOn Tuesday, we are having @THATHollyHughes, Jill Dolan, @ErinMarkey and @josephkeckler over! You should come too! http://t.co/FykdVATkKi
Retweeted by Erin MarkeyBragging feels like how pickle backs taste.It's International Coin Laundry Day. I'm celebrating. Are you?

@DJmanhate I am real. don't fuck with me on this. I don't have the strength.@DJmanhate embarrassed for you that you haven't answered this question yet@DJmanhate what does momedy mean to you@LadyRizo @missckc i think i'm mostly interested in just partying with momedians.@missckc i love that this mom is in some kind of gallery or art studio with naked walls. And the right corner branding. getcha floaties.@missckc does it help if i am not myself a mom@missckc i am serious. it sounds more fun.Not totally interested in comedy as a field, but I am interested in momedy *if that exists.* Please tell me what you know about momedians.

@michaelcavadias @LadyRizo those eyes are it. also, the Smash stage manager?@michaelcavadias @ColeEscola @johnsharnhorst @RobRothNYC I would be way more into basketball if all the players looked like @BoyGeorge.

@willhines they both sound pretty goodfeel like i can't take Dancing With The Stars seriously until Michael Flatley is a guest artist. :(@company_one @thekindness where can we find the announcement on the web? i'd love to post about it!

. @BarackObama I can't believe prostitution is illegal, but hawking a loogie is perfectly lawful.@twittyofsin danke, my abuserI am locked out. WILMAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!Wait, is it legal to sell boxed macaroni and cheese but not beer at a deli? I'm upset.Finding myself wandering around a deli tapping out "shave and a haircut" on a macaroni and cheese box. #$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@benrimalower I shall call the pebble dare, btw"I didn't know Britain had police." -@benrimalowerMiddle classin' it to The Kitchen for a panel that @HalfStraddle is opening and closing her mouth at. Don't be jellz.I'm going to be in a round table at CLAGS with Jill Dolan, and Erin Markey and Joseph Keckler. It's free! Tuesday, May 7! Come!
Retweeted by Erin Markey"Dicks love kid jokes"-@perfectlildani

@NOTCHRISTYLER @dangerfishback @pussyfaggotnyc @ErinMarlena i don't know if i'm ready yet@tonyapinkins @bridgeteverett @jimandralis I'll be Misty May Treanor!

shooting up https://t.co/2ZQShAgNcM

@MrCMRead would love to hear more crossing guard facts if you have any.I MADE A THING: http://t.co/EbK6ETbapWis there a better photo site than flickr? whatchy'all think?The kind of crossing guard that just phones it in. Know what I'm talkin bout?"Can u imagine being a teenager in this city & knowing you can get a really good slice of pizza for 2 bucks all the time?" -@TheeIrishHorseHad a dream last night that @bridgeteverett hired me to box up all her special memories but she had to pay me in USA magnets. Not a prob.

Rich British teens: keep in touch, OK? Would be cool to hang.Just so you know, the Traffic Control box on 9th and A has the power to make or break you. http://t.co/4kpIyO0a8TI'm doing @JoesPub again on May 16! http://t.co/5fynPWyMyq

nothing matters now that The Bachelor is over. :(not to get political, but i'm sick of candy. and i'm sick of winter. and i hope they both read this.i would like to hang out with a baby that thinks i'm amazing for a couple of hours and then give that baby back. (ribs)@perfectlildani well now you know. i thought you were a phd student.